Last to last summer, I broke up with my loving yet annoying boyfriend.
He was a nice guy but we didn’t get along well. He wanted something else from life and I wanted something else! It’s so easy to say that! We didn’t get along well and that’s why we broke up…
Often we don’t realise that these kinds of explanations that we give to ourselves as well as others have a deeper opportunity to learn and grow.
Let me explain what that deeper opportunity could be!
Other than the ordinary compatibility that we all look for, these were some explicit things I wanted from him, which he didn’t/couldn’t provide:
- To explore new things, can be a vacation for a trek, surf, paraglide or can be a hobby.
- Having spiritual conversations.
- Him being a reader
- Emotional Support of a fully grown person, (What that fully grown is, I myself don’t know yet)
Needless to say, I had expectations and we all do, even when we know they kill the relationship.
This is one part, me having expectations, now let’s explore the other part i.e. a vocational relationship and how it could have helped in this scenario.
Vocational in general means special, so let me term vocational relationship as a special relationship, special in terms of what? I will come to that shortly.
Before getting into the nitty-gritty of special relationships, let me ask you a question, how many expertise do you have as a person? One or two, or if you were a prodigy then three, and I belong to the same league by the way, then when I am an ordinary person myself with two-three likings, how could I expect him to like and be an expert in everything that I thrived in? Expect him to be a reader and then a spiritual person and then also a surfer/paraglider or what not? What if he liked football or those technical geeky things? Could I become an expert in those things? Naah!
So how was it fair for him?
Of course, it wasn’t!!!
But saying that it’s not fair to expect soo much from one person is something that we read in every “self-help love book” around the corner. . Instead of expecting him to fulfil all my expectations, could I have had a special (Vocational) relationship with others, in general-friends, who could depict the same roles for me? Roles of a reader, spiritual monk, surfer, etc?
This is what a special relationship! To share a special bond for one or the other roles you crave to have in your life.
Keep reading then…
Instead of expecting him to be all those explicit things,
- Could I have a friend to explore new hobbies with? In fact, could I have different friends who are also thrilled about tapping the unexplored?
- Can I have a mentor or a friend to have spiritual conversations with?
- Can I have those two-three nerdy friends to enjoy a book with?
- Or sometimes, can I have a person who is explicitly for emotionally supporting me while me doing the same for a few?
Yes, definitely I could and having such special friends will also further take off the pressure from that one person- to do everything right!
Now, I know, I know, we people have been nurtured in a way to get married to one person and then everything revolves around them. But, the increasing number of divorces and strange reasons behind them (as per me) has forced me to explore this question!
While I completely agree that if you are married to someone and sharing your space, you need to have a life together, to put it in a better way, both your lives should be parallel to say the least, still insisting on parallel here, it doesn’t need to be exactly on the same line,